I seem to love starting series-posts that go nowhere. Here's one more - after 15 months of preludes to "the definitive battle" between the "old enemies", it's HERE! Tomorrow. The Ashes, that is. For me it also means a chance to read endless miles of Brit and Aussie reports, opinions, bravados, bettings, whimperings, bitchings, yellings, whinings, screechings for the next two months. Once again we will hear that England "can't bat, can't bowl, can't field". And once more we will hear of those bullish Aussie players, huffing and puffing and blowing England's defenses down. Oh, joy!
In recent times, no contest has begun before McGrath has had a pass at some prophesizing. 'We'll smash 'em', Mcgrath said earlier in the week at a press conference. 'They come out here and piss on about how strong they are and how they aren't scared of Brett Lee* throwing a little red ball 150 km/h** at their heads or Adam Gilchrist*** walking after being given not out. What they're really saying is holy shit we have to play Australia again!' Mcgrath also brought up how, with the help from the rest of the pace attack, put half of the New Zealand team**** into phsycological wards. 'We had been working really hard on the phsycological aspect of our game. There have been more pranks and insults beeing thrown around the dressing rooms now and i believe, not only has it made us stronger mentally, but also gives us the ability to read people's minds.' When asked why he thinks he can read people's minds, he simply replied, 'Coz Warnie***** said so.' When asked whether he thinks he's back to 100%, he got up, picked a cameraman up, and threw him across the room, 'does that answer your question?' he was then escorted out of the room by John Buchanan****** and sent to bed early with some warm milk.
*Aussie very-fast bowler. Has apparently gone through some life altering transformation to become a senior member of the team, as against a young pin-up boy that he was, like, yesterday.
***Aussie Vice-Captain, legendary ball-whacker and ball-keeper
****A forever underdog team from the land of the Ring
*****Famous spinner - of the ball and the tabloids
******Periodically offers Philosophy 101 to the Aussie team
...and finally, McGrath: Aussie medium-fast metronymic bowler - who always perdicts the Ashes to end 5-0, Australia.